Going Gray

Last week I saw my former supervisor and noticed he had dyed his hair. He is 47 or 48 years old and his hair used to be salt and pepper, but now it is a weird reddish blonde that looks fucking ridiculous. I kind of wonder why he did it - there have been rumours that he is having an affair with somebody he works with - could that be it? To look younger and more attractive - his rumored GF has lost a lot of weight recently as well.

Anyway, that leads to my gray situation - I LOVE my gray hair. I think it's so cool, but to be honest I don't have a lot of it. I certainly don't dread getting more, in fact I'm growing a beard to see how much I have in it. My wife talks about dying my hair, but I tell her hell no. She can do what she wants with hers, but mine is going to be natural.

Thoughts on religion

I live in the deep south where religion is an important part of a lot of peoples lives. It just happens to not be a part of mine. I can't tell you how many people have asked me what church I go to, what religion I am, or am I Christian. This is really rude if you think about it, but very common where I live.

Here is what I believe. The world and its events has a lot of randomness and chaos. There is also a lot of unexplained phenomena that occurs. Humans as a species hates this because it makes us uncomfortable and scared. This is where religion comes in - it's a way to explain the unexplainable and make humans feel like their lives have purpose and meaning. I just don't buy it.

My father is an agnostic that is pretty close to an atheist. My mother would like to believe, but I'm not sure if she really does (I haven't bothered to ask her). I went to church regularly until I was 18 and went to college. Even when I was going to church, I was highly skeptical about the whole thing. At various times I've wanted to believe, but I just can't. In a lot of ways it would make my life easier - have something to believe in, be a part of a community, have this nice afterlife to look forward to, but I feel it's all just bullshit. Scared people looking for something to make their shitty lives better and to absolve themselves of personal responsibility (sins).

I have a disabled son, who in the old days would be called retarded. People have said that God gives people what they can handle or that I should trust in the Lord or the worst - that it is just God's will. You know what? If I did believe in God I'd be mad at him, so what's the point? None of that gets me anywhere in taking care of my son. He has genetic defects that happened (randomly most likely)which caused his problems. No god involved. So basically I keep on going, taking care of my son the best I can and I don't worry about God or religion.

Going home

I'll be going to my hometown tomorrow for the funeral.  It's so weird now when I go back (which I rarely do).  I lived 22 years in my hometown and then moved 2 hours away, so basically I've lived in 2 towns my whole life.  I've been here going on 20 years, so I guess this is my home now.  Still, when I go back home (and it will always be "back home") I never know what emotions I'm going to have. 
I used to get a little depressed when I went back home to see my folks.  The town has changed (in some ways) and none of my old friends are there anymore.  All I see are my parents' friends, which is not fun and I literally can't go anywhere with my mom & not run into at least one of her friends.  I'm not good at chit chat & I just feel uncomfortable.  
Recently, when I've gone back I don't feel much of anything.  Still, I wonder what my life would be like if I had never left.  Who knows and that kind of thinking isn't really productive anyway, but I have to think about something when I'm driving that boring 2 hours back home.  
It's better when my wife and/or my son goes with me, but they aren't this time.  At least I'll get to see my best friend even if it isn't under the best of circumstances.

A sense of loss

Ok, first real post is going to be heavy for me.  I started this blog to talk about things that interest me and then I write about somebody dying.  My best friend's father passed away recently and it has affected me more than anyone else dying including my grandmother. Wendell was the father I wish I had.  He was a sweet, understanding man.  He was also the preacher at the church my family went to.  I am not religious at all and struggle with the concept of God.  What was cool was that he was cool with this and talked to me at length about it. In a lot of ways he was more of a philosopher than a preacher.  I will miss talking to him and hearing his voice.  He was sick for a long time before he died, but I was able to visit with him before his diseases took away his ability to speak.  I will always cherish that last conversation with him as he totally made me feel at peace with my (lack of) beliefs and the way I am.  I am going to the memorial service this weekend to pay respect to the greatest man I had the pleasure to know.  I love you Wendell, if there is a heaven you will certainly be there.  If not, rest in peace good friend.

Hi!

As usual I am way behind the times and have been thinking about doing a blog for years, but never got around to it until now.  I'll occasionally post shit that interests me here.