How am I doing?

Depends on the day, the hour, the minute. Having a lot of anxiety, trying to stay active. Back at work, nothing going on there. Now to the main part of this blog. I have a best friend that I am also in love with. We've only known each other since last fall, but in some ways we understand each other like we have known each other our whole lives. We have so many common interests and at times we are doing the same things at the same time without knowing it (sooo weird and sooo cool). She is the only person I am able to be honest with as I don't think she judges me. I have been able to cry with her, which is something I have never done with anyone else and it is so freeing. On the other hand, I have a lot of feelings and emotions with her. I know it is good to have that and not be closed off, but I am so scared she will break my heart, which I thought couldn't be broken again. How does she feel about me? I don't know. I know she cares about me & says she loves me. We also had sex once, which makes me feel that she is attracted to me and I'm special, but it kind of messed me up. The first time was a little awkward (normal), but felt good and not wrong (at least for me). What did mess me up and was very surprising is that it felt like making love, which is something I haven't felt in years. She's also extremely self conscious about her stomach because she has stretch marks and a c-section scar, but she is comfortable enough with me to let me see (it's not bad at all, she's beautiful). She's in a terrible relationship, which I struggle to deal with. I try to be supportive and not tell her what to do, but I don't understand why she puts up with all the bullshit from this guy. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm there for her and will always be there for her if she needs me. I think about her constantly, she makes my day when we talk, text or snapchat. I don't know where any of this is going, but I am trying to just take deep breaths and go with it.