Back at work, not 100%

Still sick selfie

Well, I am journaling for my therapist so I don't really feel like doing things twice. I am always fascinated by those selfie a day posts so imma gonna try that for a while. Will see how long it lasts. Insomnia, tears

How am I doing?

Depends on the day, the hour, the minute. Having a lot of anxiety, trying to stay active. Back at work, nothing going on there. Now to the main part of this blog. I have a best friend that I am also in love with. We've only known each other since last fall, but in some ways we understand each other like we have known each other our whole lives. We have so many common interests and at times we are doing the same things at the same time without knowing it (sooo weird and sooo cool). She is the only person I am able to be honest with as I don't think she judges me. I have been able to cry with her, which is something I have never done with anyone else and it is so freeing. On the other hand, I have a lot of feelings and emotions with her. I know it is good to have that and not be closed off, but I am so scared she will break my heart, which I thought couldn't be broken again. How does she feel about me? I don't know. I know she cares about me & says she loves me. We also had sex once, which makes me feel that she is attracted to me and I'm special, but it kind of messed me up. The first time was a little awkward (normal), but felt good and not wrong (at least for me). What did mess me up and was very surprising is that it felt like making love, which is something I haven't felt in years. She's also extremely self conscious about her stomach because she has stretch marks and a c-section scar, but she is comfortable enough with me to let me see (it's not bad at all, she's beautiful). She's in a terrible relationship, which I struggle to deal with. I try to be supportive and not tell her what to do, but I don't understand why she puts up with all the bullshit from this guy. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm there for her and will always be there for her if she needs me. I think about her constantly, she makes my day when we talk, text or snapchat. I don't know where any of this is going, but I am trying to just take deep breaths and go with it.

Well it finally happened

I moved out. Not by choice, but subconciously I think I was doing everything to push her to the breaking point. How did and do I feel? Relief more than anything else, but I get super sad any time I think about Andrew. Currently staying in an Extended Stay hotel, which is nice. Will have to look into somewhere to stay, but will have to work that out when we are speaking to each other. Work, eh. Not that I have to do too much, I could do it in my sleep. Told my boss and the supervisor under me. Will be interesting to see how quick the news gets out. Already scheduled to hang out with my buddy Thursday night and probably Saturday. Haven't dealt with parents yet, but they know. She called and told them "everything" according to her. Whatever, it's probably all true. I emailed my dad and I'm supposed to call him, have no desire to talk to my mom about it at all or ever.

Back again?

So a friend of mine talked to me about doing a blog. In trying to help her, I came back to this one. When I talk with my friends I'm long winded and bloggish, so why not blog again? Also, so much talking winds up being a bitch session and that gets old for some people. Nobody likes a complainer Dean! As someone who struggles to be positive, I'm going to try to leave most of my crap here. And to my bff, you can always talk to me - even if it is all complaints. I'm just glad to hear from you!!!!

I'm back

So it's been two years since I posted here. A lot has gone on obviously. Currently, I am having a lot of trouble sleeping - I've been diagnosed with moderate obstructive sleep apnea. I am constantly tired during the day and have at least 2-3 times where I literally can't keep my eyes open at work. I have been tested with CPAP to see what settings work best for me - hopefully I will get a machine soon. I also started taking Luvox for OCD. I never really thought that was my problem, but I do have a lot of obsessive thoughts running through my head. Well, that was before I started the Luvox - it has really calmed those down.